When girls complain about men using them, getting upset that a man they’ve slept with hasn’t called them back or is now chatting up another girl… I try my hardest to have sympathy. I really do. Feeling like you’ve been shamelessly used and then thrown away with about the same amount of care you’d give to a used tissue is obviously very upsetting. However, I don’t find myself able to completely demonise the “orrible bastard men” that adopt the- for want of a better expression- ”love em and leave em” approach. I hate to say it, but it wouldn’t happen if people didn’t let it happen. Users exist because people allow themselves to be used.
If this is happening to you, I think a re-evaluation of what you want is in order. If you’re getting used over and over again and it’s stomping your self esteem down into the ground, leaving you with confidence so fragile that it could shatter into a million pieces at the drop of a hat, then you need to stop letting people use you for one thing.
If you’re having casual sex every now and again and it’s not doing you any harm, good for you if that’s what you want. But there is a big difference between having no strings sex that benefits both people involved and one person being used by another whilst actually really wanting something more.
If you fall into the latter category, I think it’s a good idea to establish what is going on right from the start and make sure you know where you stand. If you want a boyfriend/girlfriend and not someone to sleep with every now and again that’s ok but tell someone that rather than expecting them to guess. If they guess wrong and sleep with someone else or don’t talk to you again once the two of you have slept together, you’re going to end up with your feelings pretty hurt. Ask them what they actually want from you. Straight up sex or a relationship? And more importantly than anything else… Listen to what they say. And I don’t just mean nod and say “yeah… me too” whilst in your head you’re picturing the two of you running towards each other in slow motion across a field or something equally ridiculous. There are too many people out there who will pretend to accept the fact that casual sex with no potential for a relationship is fine when in reality that’s not really how they’re feeling. Not even a little bit. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that if you patiently allow that person to use you for a certain amount of time they’ll wake up one day completely transformed into someone who wants to immediately settle down. Sure it could happen, but how likely is that really? Maintaining false hope and getting too emotioanlly attached to someone who isn’t feeling the same way is not a great idea. The majority of the time if you offer someone free sex they will say ”Yeah OK”. It’s not neccessarily a guarantee for anything more.
I worry about people who let it happen to them sometimes. It can cause a lot of emotional damage and it really doesn’t need to happen. If you tell someone that you want a relationship and they say they just want sex from you, then they’re not the one you should be with! When you meet “the one” or whatever you want to call them, that isn’t going to be their response to you saying that you want them to be your boyfriend. People don’t need to use sex as an icebreaker, keeping their fingers crossed it might hopefully one day lead to a relationship. You’re allowed to say no and you’re allowed to get a bit cheesy and Aretha Franklin about the whole thing and demand some R E S P E C T.
There’s no need for tears and no need to carry all that negativity on your shoulders and feel like you’re not worth anything because so and so just used you for sex. Just accept the fact that you and that particular person want different things and move on to something better that will give you the happiness you deserve.